


Bucky Barnes and the Super Hot Ex Boyfriend Brawl

by RedBlazer



Series: Bucky Barnes and the Case of "Everyone I Know is Way Cooler than I am" [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Fantastic Four (Movies 2005-2007), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Fantastic Four Cameos, Fist Fights, Jealousy, Johnny Storm is an asshole, M/M, POV Bucky Barnes, Party, Past Relationship(s), Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Protective Steve Rogers, Tony Stark and Reed Richards hate eachother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-21 04:58:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4815878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedBlazer/pseuds/RedBlazer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There Bucky is, trying to act casual as he puts an unhealthy amount of dairy on his plate when Steve’s hand totally squeezes his ass. “Babe, did you try some of this fondue?” Bucky asks, dunking a piece of bread in it and shoving it into his mouth as he turns to his boyfriend.</p><p>Only, it’s not Steve. It’s a slightly less blonde, less blue eyed, less built, less sexy version of the man Bucky sleeps next to every night.</p><p>Freaking Johnny Storm leans forward and growls into Bucky’s ear, “Would you like me to heat that up for you?” And then steam begins rising from under the collar of his tuxedo jacket like he’s David Blaine. </p><p>And that’s the moment that Bucky realizes that everything has gone to shit. Because somehow Johnny is still grabbing his ass and Bucky is now choking on the hunk of bread and cheese he somehow aspirated in shock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bucky Barnes and the Super Hot Ex Boyfriend Brawl

**Author's Note:**

> Somehow....This happened. I blame grad school. Unbetaed.
> 
> Okay. So this takes place after the events of 'I Understood that Reference', you would probably be able to understand it having not read that series. But you should totally read it anyway, because I really like it! This takes place BEFORE the sequel promised at the end of the first fic in this series. You know the one.

Bucky never meant for this to happen. Seriously. Like. In his entire life, he has never wished that time went backwards.

Okay. Setting the scene. 

Tony told them all they had to come to the party. Probably because he was trying to prove that his tower and his team were bigger and better. Anyway, Bucky only came to the party because he was promised free booze and Steve told him he would stand guard while Bucky stole as much fancy cheese as the Ziplocs in his pockets would hold.

He should have just bowed out when Steve called him from the rental place and asked him what his suit measurements were. Having to wear a tux should have been the nail in the coffin on not going. Any place where his slightly disheveled sense of fashion wouldn’t be accepted was just a bad idea.

It was a beautiful party. But it was very clear that Natasha was the only one who was socially capable enough to belong there. When they stepped off the elevator on the penthouse level where the party was taking place; Bucky, Steve, Clint, and Tony all immediately marched to the bar. Natasha peeled off flawlessly into the crowd to mingle with New York’s best and brightest.

And then Bucky thought that the night might not be a total loss, because he spotted the Olsen twins and he wasn’t about to let that Facebook profile picture opportunity go to waste.

So there he was, standing with Steve and the rest of their antisocial group in the marble-floored and super fancy living room when a handsome man with brown hair and white at the temples approached them from the crowd.

“Stark!” The man greeted them, throwing out his arms. He wore a dark blue tux, which was a definite risk that Bucky would put in the ‘fashion don’t’ column. “So glad that you could tear yourself away from your shop to grace us with your presence.”

Oh shit.

Bucky looked over at Tony as the other man visibly preened. Tony turned, setting his drink down on the pristine grand piano at his elbow. The man in the tux stared at the glass as though he could feel the condensation leaking into the lacquer of the black piano.

Steve stepped closer to Bucky as though he felt they all might be in danger of a dance-off taking place, and he might be needed to defend Tony’s honor. Not that Steve was a great dancer, but he had a lot of heart. And he really seemed to enjoy musicals.

“You know,” Tony replied, tapping his cheek as though confused. “I’d call it a lab, not a shop. And it was a real struggle to get over here tonight, since I’m on the 80th floor. And sometimes the altitude difference makes me dizzy.” Tony sighed, stepping forward and physically turning the other man around. He pointed out one of the wall-sized windows lining the entire penthouse apartment to where Avenger’s Tower was lit up. “See, if you look out there, and then up up up, you can just barely see the top of Avengers Tower there uptown. But this is—“ Tony looked around, adjusting his bowtie and grimacing. “Nice. It’s nice.”

“Holy shit.” Bucky muttered into his drink, though clearly not quietly enough since Clint looked over at him above the rim of his highball glass and winked.

“Oh Stark,” The other man sighed, shaking his head. “It’s always so nice to have you around. Here, let’s toast to it.”

And then Bucky really did yell, because the guy reached for a passing waiter’s tray of champagne flutes 10 feet away. Only he didn’t walk over like a normal person. His arm stretched the whole fucking way like Stretch Armstrong.

“AH!” Bucky yelled and then looked around as though to throw the attention off of him. 

Steve visibly choked back a laugh of his own at Bucky’s outburst. Bucky elbowed him as subtly as he could with his robot arm.

“See,” Tony said, “The thing I love about you, Richards—the thing I love is that you stick with the classics. The whole cosmic radiation gig. Usually its hokey, but you make it a tiny more elegant.”

“Okay,” Bucky sticks his head between the two billionaires who are apparently the closest thing Bucky will ever see to a real life Mean Girls. “I know for a fact that Bruce would be deeply offended by that if he wasn’t on time out in the Adirondacks right now.” Bucky holds up a hand and pokes Tony in the chest. “You know better.” Bucky scolds him.

Luckily Steve reels him back in and then keeps a hand on him. There’s a very real possibility that Bucky starved himself all day so that he could eat all the shrimp and fancy cheese this party had to offer. And so far it’s just been a lot of booze and two classically handsome and loaded dudes comparing the sizes of their empires.

“Too right. It’s time you and I agreed that we excel in different fields. There’s no reason for competition.” The man, who Bucky now realized was Reed Richards, held out the tray of champagne to the group. They all put their drinks down somewhere more appropriate than a piano worth a quarter of a million dollars and took a flute of champagne.

“Especially when I’ve been doing what I do for decades.” Tony replied. And now he was wearing those douchey sunglasses that Bucky thought Pepper had broken him of a few months ago. They really needed her here right now. She would have found a bathroom to lock Tony in or an equally elegant solution.

“What? Selling missiles to terrorists?” Reed Richards asked, raising one dark eyebrow.

“Okay fellas,” Steve said, stepping in now. And wasn’t it great that Steve reverted to an old timey referee in a boxing match when presented conflict that didn’t come in the form of an alien invasion? “You’re both geniuses. Let’s just enjoy the party. Thank for inviting us, Reed.” 

And then Steve patted Richards on the back and smiled his ‘taking a photo with a tourist’ smile. Close-lipped, not totally reaching his eyes. It was really only Bucky and the Avengers who got the full on smile with teeth, eye wrinkles, and the way that Steve would lean backwards and for some reason clutch at his own chest.

A photographer making the rounds took a photo of all of them holding up their glasses and then Steve and Bucky practically ran from the scene of the crime. Bucky had no doubt that Tony and Reed would continue to snipe at each other for as long as possible before they were physically separated.

Bucky texted Clint and told the other man that he better remember every single detail of what happened.

So that happened, which now brings the audience up to speed of the present. Bucky and Steve are standing at the buffet table when it happens.

There he is, trying to act casual as he puts an unhealthy amount of dairy on his plate when Steve’s hand totally squeezes his ass. “Babe, did you try some of this fondue?” Bucky asks, dunking a piece of bread in it and shoving it into his mouth as he turns to his boyfriend.

Only, it’s not Steve. It’s a slightly less blonde, less blue eyed, less built, less sexy version of the man Bucky sleeps next to every night.

Johnny Fucking Storm leans forward and growls into Bucky’s ear, “Would you like me to heat that up for you?” And then steam begins rising from under the collar of his tuxedo jacket like he’s David Blaine. 

And that’s the moment that Bucky realizes that everything has gone to shit. Because somehow Johnny is still grabbing his ass and Bucky is now choking on the hunk of bread and cheese he somehow aspirated in shock.

He would rip Hermione’s time turner off her neck and get the hell out of here right now if it was possible.

“Whoa!” Steve’s voice sounds out from the other end of the buffet table. “Buck, are you okay?” And then Johnny’s hand is off his ass and Johnny is a respectable 2 feet away. He’s looking around like he isn’t a total lecher. Meanwhile Bucky might die here.

Escaped with his life in the invasion of New York City. Died from the shock of sexual harassment by Johnny Storm.

Steve claps Bucky on the back in one sharp movement that somehow allows him to swallow the lump of cheese and bread in his throat. And then like the amazing boyfriend that he is, he’s holding up a glass of water for Bucky.

Bucky gulps the water, red-faced and glaring at Johnny as though to tell him, ‘fuck this up for me and I will end you.’

But of course, Johnny just extends his hand to Steve and smiles. “Johnny Storm—The Human Torch.” And that’s how he introduces himself. Bucky gags audibly at Johnny.

Bucky has never heard Steve introduce himself to anyone as anything except for Steve. Of course. Of course Johnny has to be here.

Steve shakes the dirt bag’s hand. “Steve Rogers, pleasure to meet you. Do you know Bucky?”

Bucky makes a finger across his throat motion as casually as he can. When Steve totally catches it out of the corner of his eye, Bucky winks at him and grabs his hand, holding it to his chest in what he hopes is a sign to back the fuck off.

“Oh, Bucky and I go way back.” Johnny says, winking again.

Bucky’s seriously going to throw up. Not from the drinking or the cheese. But because he cannot believe the kind of judgment he had in college.

“Not that far back.” Bucky mutters. Only, of course his voice is all hoarse from the choking and nearly dying in Richards’ tower.

“We dated in college.” Johnny states in a smarmy voice.

Bucky’s pretty sure he hasn’t blinked in well over two minutes. He squeezes Steve’s hand in his own, looking over at Steve’s pinched expression. So totally fucked.

“We went on three dates.” Bucky tells Steve. Setting the scene that there was no watching Game of Thrones or picking up fruit at the farmer’s market. There was mostly a lot of vodka and a pair of shoes that were never recovered from Johnny’s room. “I wouldn’t even call them dates.”

“I would.” Johnny pipes in.

Bucky sets his jaw. “Well, I wouldn’t.” He squeezes Steve’s hand once again. “Steve and I have been together for a year now. We’re really happy.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet.” Johnny holds up a glass of champagne at them. “You know, I’m sorry to say that I thought Bucky was the one that got away for a long time.”

“We had bio lab together for another term. I didn’t get away from shit.” Bucky’s getting feisty now. They should probably get out of there before he whips out his phone and shows Johnny the covert shots of Steve in his underwear to prove that Steve’s superior in every single way.

And then, like an angel who has killed people, Natasha swoops in and puts a hand on both Bucky and Steve’s shoulders, poking her head between the two of them.

“Clint’s drunk, he have to get him out of here before he starts climbing things or telling Mary Kate what he thinks about ‘To Grandmother’s House We Go’.” Natasha says, “Sorry, Johnny. I need these two.”

Fancy cheese forgotten, Bucky turns on his heel and physically drags Steve to the elevator where Clint is physically leaning on Tony.

They all get inside a moment later. And now that Bucky is facing Johnny again, he takes a petty moment to point at Steve with his free hand and mouth, ‘his is bigger than yours’ as the doors close.

He gets a pretty good look at Johnny’s mouth falling open in shock and then they’re in the quiet elevator. The awkward, silent elevator.

Clint stands up perfectly on his own, glaring over at Steve and Bucky. “Seriously guys? I didn’t even get to the buffet.”

And Bucky can feel himself getting redder and redder with anger and embarrassment. He chances a look over at Steve, who is staring straight ahead, his jaw clenched.

Luckily, or unluckily it’s a short elevator ride. They’re let out into a lobby that’s honestly not at nice as the one at Tony’s place. Somehow Tony’s limo is already outside when they push through the doors.

Tony, Natasha, and Clint all file into the limo. Bucky is about to follow them when he looks over and Steve is already walking in the direction of the street.

“Go without us. Monitor the police scanner.” Bucky tells them, taking off in Steve’s direction at a run. “Are you planning on walking all the way to Brooklyn?”

Steve sighs, “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

They get about half a block in silence before Steve stops dead and pins Bucky with a heated look. “Johnny Storm?”

Good to know it won’t be a long, silent night between the two of them.

“I’m not proud of it.” Bucky tells him. “I went through a phase.”

“A phase you’re apparently still in.” Steve says, pointing at himself. “Didn’t you notice the resemblance in there? I’d say it’s pretty uncanny.”

“Johnny looks like a version of you if I was squinting all the time. Roughly fits in the edges, but not a clear picture.” Bucky shakes his head. He can’t help himself, straightening Steve’s tie.

“But he’s the Human Torch.” Steve insists.

“He wasn’t back then.” Bucky says, rolling his eyes. “Back in college he was just the guy who bought me about six Flaming Dr. Peppers in a dive bar off campus.” He steps forward, worried for a second that Steve’s not going to accept Bucky being in his personal space. But Steve lets Bucky put his arms around him, which is always great. “I didn’t even know who he was now when we were invited. I mean honestly, who has time to pay attention to all of these superheroes coming out of the woodwork when I have the OG of genetic intervention in my bed every night?”

Steve snorts and does that thing where he sticks his whole face in the join of Bucky’s neck and shoulder. Bucky reaches up with his metal hand and hold’s Steve’s neck.

“Don’t be mad. Please don’t be mad. It’s not like I even loved him. I didn’t even really like him that much.” Bucky babbles.

“Not mad.” Steve tells him, “I wanna go in there and deck him, but I also don’t want to be in the paper.”

“Clearly you didn’t see him grab my ass then.” Bucky tells him, joking.

Steve’s head shoots up, nearly breaking Bucky’s nose. “He did what?” Steve asks incredulously. “Back there, he grabbed your ass?”

Bucky’s grimace is apparently enough of an indicator.

Steve’s eyes narrow and his whole face hardens. He sets his shoulders and turns, pulling out of Bucky’s embrace and marching back towards the lobby of Richards’ Tower.

“Oh Jesus,” Bucky yells. He follows at a run, pulling out his phone and Snapchatting Natasha his face yelling, “Code Blue! Code Blue! Steve no! He’s not worth going to jail over!” as he runs after Steve since he can’t text right now.

But Steve is still walking into the building while Bucky runs after him, yelling.

“Seriously Steve, I was over it! I really was! He’s just an asshole who always smells like Axe body spray. And your penis is bigger than his. You really don’t need to burden yourself with this! Please don’t murder him, I couldn’t handle having to commit a crime to be with you in prison.” He’s yelling the whole way into the elevator and as they rise up towards the penthouse. But Steve’s staring at the wall like he’s just imagining all of the awful things he could do to Johnny right now if the Geneva Convention wasn’t in effect.

The elevator doors to the party open just as Reed and a pretty blonde woman are passing.

“Steve, glad to see you left your drunk friend and came back to civilization.” Reed tells him as Steve storms past them.

Johnny’s leaning against the mantel of a fireplace, leering down at a supermodel that looks incredibly bored with the situation.

He doesn’t even get a chance to so much as yell before Steve grabs him by the scruff of his neck and drags him out to the balcony. Bucky follows, realizing this is probably the closest he will ever get to being in a Lifetime movie.

“What the fuck is going on?” Johnny exclaims as Steve lets him go, pushing him a few feet away.

“This is a fight.” Steve tells him, pulling off his bowtie and suit jacket.

This is the most sexual thing Bucky has ever seen in his entire life.

“Did Bucky put you up to this?” Johnny asks, turning to Bucky.

“Bucky ain’t your business.” Steve tells him, his Brooklyn accent coloring his speech.

“Not in a demeaning way.” Bucky chimes in. “Not like I’m his property. More like I never want to have to see you again, you ass clown.”

Steve nods in Bucky’s direction, in the process of rolling up his sleeves when Johnny’s fist appears out of nowhere, knocking into Steve’s perfectly chiseled cheekbone.

“That one you get for free.” Steve tells him, not even bothering to appear that the punch did anything to hurt him. Meanwhile, Johnny looks increasingly like he regrets this whole situation.

“What’s going on here?” A voice asks as the blonde woman from earlier appears in a slinky silver gown. “Johnny, what did you do?” she sounds more exasperated than anything.

“Sue, I swear it was nothing. Sis, you gotta believe me.” Johnny begins.

Bucky turns to her. “He grabbed my ass. That-“ he points to Steve “is my boyfriend, Captain America.”

She holds up her hands, sighing. “Alright, I got nothing.” And now that even his sister isn’t going to vouch for him, Johnny looks far more concerned. 

His hands begin to sizzle as flames encompass them, traveling up his body and burning up his tux. Luckily they aren’t all graced with the image of a naked dude on fire, because he’s wearing some kind of suit underneath.

Reeds steps through the door to the balcony a moment later. Every single member of the party seems pretty content to press their noses to the window to get an eyeful of whatever brawl is about to take place.

“I guess I expected this much from an Avenger. I mean, with Tony Stark as your leader, you’re bound to run amok.” Reed comments.

“That guy’s such a blowhard.” Johnny chimes in. “We’re just as good of team as you guys!”

And then, like the master of comedic timing that he is, Iron Man drops out of the sky with a “Heard you were taking shit.” And then he punches Johnny off of the roof.

After that. Well. After that it devolved. Sue and Bucky stood with their backs against the window as Sam, in his steely wings, dropped Clint and Natasha to the roof. And then some guy made of rock showed up and it really got going.

There was some hair pulling. And a lot of swearing.

Eventually Sue and Bucky decided that enough was enough and everyone had gotten their yayas out. A thoroughly singed Steve, Natasha, Clint, and a slightly pummeled Tony were enveloped in a force field generated by the ever so lovely woman to Bucky’s right once they could be separated.

“Alright. Now that we’ve made a case for everyone calling the X-Men when they’ve got an issue in New York, I think we should call it a night.” Sue yelled at them all in a pretty impressive Mom Voice.

Reed, arms and legs all stretched to different lengths had the forethought to look a bit guilty as he shrunk back to his normal size. Johnny went back to being his usual lukewarm self, and the rock guy stayed a rock guy. Because he apparently couldn’t change back.

“Who needs a lift home?” Sam asked from his place hovering above them, safely out of the crossfire.

“Those are some elegantly engineered wings.” Reed said, chagrinned.

The face plate to Tony’s suit slid open. “I have always wanted to go to space, so you got me there Richards.”

Sam flew off, with Natasha and Clint each clinging on to one of his legs. And then Tony and Reed confirmed their plans to meet for lunch one day to talk over sustained space orbit.

Steve seemed far more relaxed now that he had gotten to fight for the honor of his beloved, slinging his tuxedo jacket over his shoulder and his other arm around Bucky. They left the party to the most awkward walk of shame to ever take place, got pizza, took a cab back to Tony’s tower and played Cards Against Humanity.

Thor was visibly upset that he missed out on an opportunity to best the rock man when he arrived later in the middle of the night.

Bucky went to sleep that night, content in the knowledge that his boyfriend was superior in every single way to Johnny Storm. And the next morning was so pleased to find out that Mary Kate and Ashley had not only live tweeted the fight, but also that they were publicly #TeamStucky.

**Author's Note:**

> Why? Why? Why?
> 
> Because people with powers are drawn to Bucky and I love the idea of two characters played by Chris fighting over him.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I <3 comments and kudos!


End file.
